So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
