he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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