i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
