I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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