Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
