She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize