I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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