So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
