It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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