I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
