Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Terrible idea I love it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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