I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
