It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
