update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
