the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
