the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
