Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize