so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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