dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
