Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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