Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
