So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
