Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
