Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
