it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
