I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
