Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
