Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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