you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
