oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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