Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
