She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
