So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
