I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
