I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
