I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
