So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize