You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
