I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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