i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
