My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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