I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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