Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
