Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
