I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
