Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
