So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
