Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize