i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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