please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
and you fell through a lawn chair
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
