He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
