If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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