Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize