I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize