I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
