I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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