I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize