Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
