you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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