dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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