Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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