update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
